This issue of What If…? is a continuation of the story arc begun in #20, What if Spider-Man had NOT married Mary Jane. For you trivia nerds, this was the first two-part story arc in What If…? history.

What happens: Picking up from last issue, the thug sells Spider-Man’s secret identity to a shadowy figure for a cool million. Apparently the buyer is a total bad ass as the thug cites his fear of the buyer as proof that the info is legit. Meanwhile, in Niagra Falls of all places, Peter and Felicia get married at a little chapel under fake names.  I’m not sure what the point of getting a rushed wedding under fake names is, but I completely understand the need for Peter’s face mustache.

Later, in a run down hotel (insinuated to be called the Bates’ Hotel, har har) Felcia is unable to consummate the marriage. So what else do they do but hop on the first plane to New York and beat up some thugs to get Black Cat back in the mood.

After getting back to work, the two love birds have to part ways. Turns out that since Black Cat’s identity is public knowledge, she can’t be seen with Peter Parker or else, gasp, someone will find out who Spider-Man really is. It would have helped if Spidey and Black Cat didn’t pose for the Daily Bugle while making out. Later, Spider-Man comes home to a very upset Black Cat. Mary Jane has sent Peter a birthday card and this sets Felicia off. Meanwhile, the thug finally meets the mysterious, badass buyer, who turns out to be… the Vulture? Seriously? Well, the Vulture promptly kills the thug and then blows up Aunt May’s nursing home. But in a twist atypical to What If…? Aunt May survives because she was in the basement at the time of the blast. Don’t ask. Spider-Man saves May and goes out to get the Vulture. But on the other side of town, the Vulture gets Black Cat unawares and artist Jim Valentino somehow manages to make him look sincerely scary.

Spider-Man shows up and beats the crap out of Vulture. He nearly kills Vulture before he is stopped by Silver Sable and the Wild Pack. Spider-Man runs off with the wounded Black Cat. When she wakes up he tells her he no longer trusts her and breaks up with her. Good thing they didn’t get legally married or else this would have to be a three-part storyline. Spider-Man goes looking for a shoulder to cry on and ends up talking to Silver Sable.  They are interrupted to go beat up some terrorists. Across town, Vulture is making his escape from prision. Before he gets away, he is killed by a shadowy figure. His last words identify his killer as Spider-Man. Later, Spider-Man sneaks into Mary Jane’s apartment to talk to her and win her back only to find that she’s already dating someone else.

That is the guy she rebounds with? Really? I would think she’d have a pretty big nerd fetish at this point. Well, maybe the meathead is just for a change of pace. Anyway, across town, the Wild Pack confront Spider-Man for the murder of the Vulture. Spider-Man pleads his innocence and Mary Jane shows up to back him up. Spider-Man is able to get out of the Sandman’s grasp and soon everyone is shooting at him. The Black Cat swoops in to save Mary Jane and confesses to killing the Vulture herself. Because of a misunderstand (as always) Paladin shows up and promptly shoots Black Cat dead. As Spider-Man mourns his kinda-ex-wife’s death, Mary Jane walks out of his life forever. So what could possibly happen then? Why, Silver Sable fall in love and live happily ever after, of course. The end.

Body count: Two. Vulture is killed by a heart broken Black Cat while Black Cat is in turn shot down by a trigger happy Paladin.

 The lesson learned: Clearly girls are no good for Spider-Man. Unless it is Silver Sable. Apparently she is the only woman Spider-Man can be happy with. Maybe next year we will have the “Brand Newer Day” story arc in which Peter finally ends up with the love of his life. Sable’s due for a comeback, isn’t she?