Imagine yourself as a comic book fan in the late summer of 1982. “Eye of the Tiger” is burning up the Billboard charts and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn is beaming into theaters. You’re in your favorite comic book specialty shop or drug store when you stumble across the newest issue of Marvel Two-In-One starring the Thing.

That’s right: Holy fucking shit, it’s Batman!

You grab up the issue, pay your $0.60 and high-tail it home, all the while anticipating some epic Bat on Thing action. Not since 1976’s Superman vs. Spider-Man has the promise of an awkward pairing of completely unrelated inter-company characters filled you will such excitement. Marvel Two-In-One was the poor man’s Marvel Team-Up but it looks like Ben Grimm is done teaming up with Valkyrie and Wonder Man and is now running with the big guys.

The story begins with some trouble going down at an archaeological dig in Egypt when a familia, pointy eared silhouette descends upon the diggers. Could it be that Batman is under some sort of min control? Elsewhere, Doctor Strange observes some odd mystical energies coming from Egypt. Instead of going there himself and talking care of the sort of thing that is his specialty, Dr. Strange taps The Thing to check out what’s going on. Likewise Mr Fantastic is to busy talking about weird stuff in Egypt to actually go there. The Thing goes by himself and in promptly ambushed.

Batman is able to take down Ben Grimm without much trouble. That seems about right but his bloodthirsty dialogue and lack of a cape indicate that something is seriously wrong. The whole “You should be dead” thing is also kinda weird. But let’s see how this plays out.

Later, the Thing awakes in chains, face to face with his capturer…

…The Sphinx?! Who this fuck is the Sphinx? Whoever he is, he is not Batman! That’s for damn sure.

After experiencing the crushing disappointment of the potential team up with one of the greatest comic book characters of all time turning out to be nothing more than some lame ass villain who usually fought Nova, you spend ten seconds flipping through the remaining pages. The Thing and the Sphinx fight. The Thing wins. Big fucking deal.

Shut up, Sphinx! You are everything that is wrong about the comic book industry!

You would be so angry that you’d swear off comics forever if not for the last few panels of the issue. Somehow a flying pyramid makes everything all right.