I took a few years away from comic books to focus on other things in my life like school, girlfriends and sunlight, and now that I’ve gotten back into the game I’m coming across tons of things I unfortunately missed.

The most unfortunate has to be JLA vs. Predator.

Why didn’t someone tell me about this?

I like Predators, but the funny thing about them is that a great majority of their appearances have been in crossovers. With the exception of two movies and a few farted out mass-market paperbacks and comic books, the Predators have only shown up when they decide to hunt some other, more popular character. There has been Aliens vs. Predator, Batman vs. Predator, Superman vs. Predator, and even an Aliens vs. Predator vs. Terminator.

And some how all those crossovers made sense. Hunting different prey is what the Predators are all about. But the JLA? That is just madness!

Well, not so much “madness” as it is “a messy attempt at getting some cash from people who don’t know this is going to suck no matter what.”

I know you’re aching to know how this meeting can possibly happen, here’s what goes down:

The Martain Manhunter is doing what he does best: sitting around the JLA watchtower while everyone else actually does crime fighting. I swear he is the only member of the League who is ever “on duty” in the watchtower. Anyway, a Dominator (nasty aliens who look a little too much like “yellow peril” caricatures) spaceship is about to crash to Earth so J’ohn teleports them onto the watchtower. Only they aren’t alone. Something attacks him and the other Leaguers book it to the watchtower to save him. Here’s that they find:

Kyle’s reaction, instead of rage or sorrow, is total disgust. He puts the power ring to good use.

Superman’s reaction is similar to anger, but it’s really closer to the emotion found only in comics called “righteous exposition.” This is when something absolutely awful happens and instead of reacting like a human being, the character launches into an unnatural explanation of the events.* It does, however, give us a chance to see some of the worst drawn Predators ever published.

Whoa, that’s bad! The artwork in this comic constantly teeters between mediocre to what-the-hell-is-that bad. The writing is slightly worse.

It appears that J’ohn has kicked the bucket, thus getting my hopes up that the rest of the League will suffer horrible deaths, but it is not so. J’ohn escapes death by doing the coolest thing he has ever done. Ever.

This has to happen more often.

Sadly that is the best part of the entire fifty-page story. The rest is pretty dull stuff. The Dominators sneak to three different locations on Earth and the JLA splits into teams to track them down. This allows Wonder Woman to freak Aquaman out by being completely out of character and rambling on about how romantic Venice is. Each team encounters Predators that have the same powers as they do. That’s right, the Predator’s have their superpowers and that is how this comic is justified. Here’s what the Plastic Man Predator looks like:

Okay, so it turns out the Dominators made the “MetaPredators” to kill the JLA. All the Leaguers make it back to the watchtower and the Predators follow. The writer must have loved Aquaman, because it’s Arty who figures out that by mismatching the JLA and Predator counterparts, the League can take them out in no time. The plan works, although I don’t really understand how Batman is more of a match for the Flash Predator than the Flash himself. I know Batman is badass, but he can’t beat a super-fast Predator at a moment’s notice. Superman takes down his Predator completely off panel. Boring, except maybe for Kyle’s insisting on stripping a Predator down before beating it.

So then, like always, the Predators blow shit up rather than surrendering. They puncture the wall of the watchtower and are sucked out into space. No one else is. They live happily ever after, content to assume that it only takes the vacuum of space to kill a Predator with Superman’s powers.

This has got to be the worst Predator crossover ever. Unless I missed the Dazzler vs. Predator miniseries. Bad stuff, but it was still worth it to see Martian Manhunter get his head on a stake and grow a face through his chest.

*Another good example of this is Cyclops’ three panels of exposition immediately after Jean Grey, the woman he loves, kills herself at the end of the Dark Phoenix Saga. And he wonders why no one likes him.